


Save Me 'Cause I'm Falling

by Makairia



Series: AvengerKink meme fills [10]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (2012), references to Captain America 2 (trailers), references to Iron Man 3, references to Thor 2
Genre: Angst, Gen, Howard Stark's A+ Parenting, M/M, Tony Needs a Hug, cw eating disorders, cw non-graphic self harm, cw suicide ideation
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-11-13
Updated: 2013-11-13
Packaged: 2018-01-01 09:18:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,267
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1043111
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Makairia/pseuds/Makairia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>AvengerKink prompt</p><blockquote>
  <p>Tony self harms when he disappoints people he cares about, when he hurts them, and especially when he upsets them enough to start a fight. He only ever hurts himself when it's a big deal--not over little everyday stuff, and it's not like it happens often, so he's sorta unsure of whether he should tell someone or not, because he doesn't want it to seem like he's being over-dramatic or attention grabby over something little.</p>
  <p>At some point he and Steve are fighting. Steve is screaming and Tony knows that this is going to be one of those times when he goes back to his lab and hurts himself after, so just as Steve shouts something at him Tony just quietly blurts, "Sometimes I hurt myself."</p>
</blockquote>
            </blockquote>





	Save Me 'Cause I'm Falling

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt [[x]](http://avengerkink.livejournal.com/17613.html?thread=40101325#t40101325)
> 
> Most things are only mentioned (nothing graphic), but please heed the warnings if any apply. It's cliche as hell, but things do get better. If you ever need to talk, there are always people willing to lend an ear, myself included.

The first time it happened, Tony was eight and had just taken silver in NYC's annual robotics competition: high school students competing against one another to win the prestigious honor, and attention of several attending universities. 

For Tony, it was all in good fun. And, if he happened to maybe get more than a disinterested response from Howard, then all the better. He’s _eight_ now. Old enough to work independently on projects; no more tinkering on _cars_ with Dad. No more Captain America toys and clothes and pajamas. Tony’s a big boy. He can handle it. 

So when his name is called in between _eleventh_ and _twelfth_ graders, his grin is enough to light up the Eastern Seaboard (and the trophy that stands chest-level isn’t bad, either). 

Searching the waves of people in the audience, Tony could barely keep from bouncing (those students were almost _adults_ ). The bouncing problem was a lot easier to manage when the exhibition hall suddenly narrowed down to the exiting form of a blank-faced Howard Stark. 

He can handle it. 

  


          He can h a n d l e it. 

That famous Stark Grin, not yet perfected, clawed its way back to lay claim to Tony’s face. Articles and photo captions attributed it to a general sense of being overwhelmed. Tony didn’t feel the need to correct anyone (not that he could have done much, anyway). 

···

There’s one last day to Tony’s Thanksgiving break before he needs to return to school. He spends it alone in his room (throwing out meager excuses to the professionally-worried Jarvis). Not crying. Not really feeling much of anything. Just empty, and hollow, and like he’s missing a piece of himself that he can’t quite remember ever having. 

It’s completely by accident that he smashes three of his fingers into the sliding door leading to the ensuite bathroom. 

But the rush of _something_. The return of just _feeling_ is new. The pain isn’t dulled, so much as it turns Tony’s cottoned head back to its normal (or above-normal) state. 

And then nothing. Years of nothing. Howard’s still disinterested. Tony’s still apathetic. 

···

It’s Christmas and his parents die. And. His parents die. But so does Jarvis, and the awareness of the emptiness his Tony with all the force of that crashed car. That night, it’s about ignoring responsibility, and all about liquor and ladies (and some guys, and some neither-ladies-nor-guys). Probably. It’s all a blur until Obie’s driving him home from the hospital thirty-seven hours later. But that’s okay. ’Cause with all of that, he’s _had_ to have felt something. At the very least. 

Now, though. Now, he’s got Rhodey and Obie and that new-girl, Potts. And oddly, the space between Tony and the void elongated; the three filling a space once occupied by only one. 

So Tony fancies himself in the clear. He hasn’t had _that_ feeling since losing Jarvis. He’s rich, sexy, and powerful. And, with the help of the three constants in his life (three times as many as he’d ever had), Tony Stark is on top of the world. 

It’s oddly poetic that Afghanistan would happen at the peak of Tony’s life (both personal and professional). It would have been so much easier if Tony didn’t have to worry about the good-natured doctor’s life as well. 

It was also through this little trip that Tony discovered the pain and adrenaline that had previously cleared up the dust and fog spinning through his head were only truly effective when _Tony_ controlled it. It took an anesthesia-free surgery, two rounds of simulated drowning, and the threat of Yinsen’s wellbeing to jumpstart Tony’s headspace again. 

A careful month-and-a-half later, that dingy cave was roasted, along with everyone inside, and some outside. 

Tony celebrates the doctor’s death with precisely-jagged nail marks along his thighs and hips and stomach and chest, followed immediately with alcohol swabs (to prevent infection, of course). He tops it off with the harshest food easily accessible, and after speaking with Obie by the giant arc reactor, violently throws up every last bite of his cheeseburgers. A day and a half later sees the Mark II in fabrication. 

···

Turns out, it was Obie orchestrating the entire event. Tony only wishes he could feel the anger, if only on Pepper’s behalf. 

Tony grabs the acetylene torch before it’s completely cool. Maybe he forgoes solids for a week. Stranger things have happened. 

And like an avalanche, these bouts of apathy-induced episodes snowball. 

Pepper was in danger of being killed. Tony didn’t know how to just _give_ Rhodey a suit (so they fought. And when Tony saw that Rhodey had a solid enough grip on the controls, he gives up and watches his best friend fly, fly, fly). _Justin Hammer._ Vanko. Super-secret spies and their super-secret spy clubs. And maybe he was dying, but that’s okay. 

Falling from an alien sky. 

Sometimes Tony turns up with odd injuries (always properly bandaged, wrapped, or splinted), but nothing too out of character with the amount of time he spends tinkering in his lab. He’s smiling more, and Pepper and Rhodey and Happy aren’t _ecstatic_ , but, with no actual proof, they will take what they can get. 

Then one _stupid_ mistake from over a decade prior comes to bite him in the ass. Happy’s in a medically-induced coma. His home is in the ocean. Dummy and You are in

  
P  
      i  
        e  
           c  
               e  
                 s

Pepper’s been taken. Rhodey’s armor compromised (and ugly as hell), but never Rhodey himself. Tony’s constant. Tony’s rock. So he pulls through without a break (or breaking himself. Just a little. Just enough to clear the void). 

With Extremis is fixed (and Pepper no longer running hot), and the world as back to normal as it’s ever been, Tony takes an impromptu — solo — skiing trip to the Alps. No one is surprised at Tony’s fractured arm when he returns two days later. They are sickened at the thought, though. But it’s okay because Tony perfected a 3-D, ultra-thin cast – one that’s inexpensive, cheap and easy to manufacture (on-site). 

The cast turns out unnecessary when Tony tweaks Extremis again, and injects himself with it four weeks into the healing process. Happy finds Tony lying amidst what are possibly the remains of a cocoon, still unconscious. He calls Pepper. The world keeps spinning. And Tony’s back in New York, with the addition of two sometimes-three-sometimes-four-sometimes-more superheroes, and one not-so-dead handler. The man with the metal arm is a surprise, though. 

Sometimes, there’s Thor’s scientist, her intern, and her intern’s intern. Sometimes, Bruce sticks around. Sometimes, everyone’s off doing their own thing, and it’s just Tony and maybe Pepper and Happy and Rhodey. Sometimes, The Avengers are fighting off some super-powered construction-themed idiots. 

And sometimes, Tony finds himself occupied with thoughts. But not the empty ones. These are benign and stupid and patriotic (it totally counts). And Tony finds that these eclectic, over-powered sometimes-humans (on top of Tony’s life-constants) are keeping the empty at bay. 

So Tony’s laughing more and smiling more and eating more and maybe spending (a little) less time in his workshop, and more time watching stupid movies and arguing the impossible physics in those movies with _Barton_ of all people. Maybe he’s leaning closer to Steve as the movies pass. And maybe Steve’s letting him. 

No one is surprised to find out that Tony and Steve are dating. It was a little surprising to find them in such a compromising position on the couch, though.

So this is Tony’s life. He’s more-or-less found happiness. Well, happiness found him. 

Of course, it figures that it wouldn’t last. 

**Author's Note:**

> Edit: 11/25 -- Alright, dick move on my part. It's been literal weeks and I've been AWOL on this. I promise something's coming, but it might take a bit between classes, RL, and a flighty muse. Uh, this thing's also hit a little close to home, so I'm also sorting out some personal things, as well.
> 
> Feel free to kick my ass into gear, though. ^^
> 
> I'm so sorry! D:


End file.
